wake me when it's over

i get it...why people turn to alcohol in the face of unspeakable pain...or why they pack up and leave for someplace else, with no plans to return for a long, long time. you escape somehow; you let the darkness overtake you and the demons welcome you into their embrace. because let's face it: some days sobriety sucks. and those days are the ones that drag by...this week is the one that passes in agonizing slowness...and sobriety does suck.

when i choose to feel my pain...or when it just damn well overtakes me...i'm nowhere different than i was three years ago. they say it gets better with time, and maybe in some ways it has. in others, though...no. not one bit. if i could sleep straight through this season (the one that, ironically, gives birth to new life all around us in nature) and wake up when it's over, i'd be ok with that. but then, the pain would still be there, like it always is. there's no way around it; there's no way to avoid it. there is only the way through it. this is my everest. and i haven't yet reached the summit.

ministers and felons

so meg scott phipps is out of federal prison and under house arrest. i'm sure you're wondering "so what?" well, as i was watching the news yesterday, i learned that while she will never be able to go back to her old job (practicing law, working in a government office), she is moving on to a new one. she will be the minister of education at her church. now i'm going to spare everyone my soapbox on the quality (or lack thereof) of christian education, especially in the church. instead, i'd like to point out that a church somewhere has employed a convicted felon who served prison time as a staff minister. talk about grace...forgiveness...redemption. would that we all be so grace-full.

who we are is how we pray

that's the title of a book on a friend's shelf. i have no idea what the content of said book includes, but the title is thought provoking in and of itself--particularly since it's been a topic of conversation at my house lately.

we all have different personalities, different ways of being. why should we have to conform in our respective prayer lives? could that be why it's so hard for many christians to spend time in prayer? it's very hard to do something you don't want to do...and prayer, let's face it, is something many of us don't want to do...because we don't like to do it because it seems to be ineffective...dare i say pointless?...for so many of us. and maybe that's because we aren't praying as we are...according to who we are. there is no prescription for prayer. it simply is what it is and, just as we are all unique, it takes on its own flavor...all of which are pleasing to God. where we came up with this notion of how to pray...of praying in a specified way is beyond me.

the same friend with the book on her shelf informed me that her church (methodist by the way) was going to have a prayer labyrinth out from 8:00 friday night to 8:00 saturday morning. so al and i went to walk the labyrinth. i have always found that to be an effective time of prayer for me...if for no other reason than that i get to spend some time in silence, something i don't get to do as often as i like or should. i realized something last night as i was walking back out of the labyrinth...

the first time i experienced a prayer labyrinth was in div school in an experiential spirituality class. i sat and watched someone walk through...she was a dancer and moved along the path as a dancer walks--gracefully, carefully, intentionally, beautifully. it was such a beautiful sight i have since tried to replicate it. the problem is, i don't move at my pace, in my way. i am dancing someone else's dance and that does nothing for me in the long run.

dancing someone else's dance can work for awhile, but ultimately, i have to find my own rhythm...my own way...my own dance.

eat, drink and be merry

a dear friend reminded me that qoheleth said that as well as meaningless, meaningless, everything's meaningless. and he's right. we do need to eat, drink and be merry...for tomorrow...or the next day...or a few days after that...or, if you are lucky, years beyond that (which, let's face it, really are only a blink in time) we die. when you really stop to think about the wisdom behind the writing (it is after all part designated as part of wisdom literature), it's not as nihilistic as it first sounds.

my dear, wise qoheleth,
you are correct. we do not have long on this earth...though many days seem agonizingly long. so what's the point? why bother? why should we work so hard and so long? for what? to say we did...what? to have the money for the stuff that at the end of our lives we leave to someone else who will probably keep the meaningful stuff and sell the rest on ebay or in a yard sale? why do we spend so much time walking around, half dead as zombies...making mudpies when we could be swimming in the ocean? why don't we eat and drink and make merry each day? why don't we spend time making meaning out of who we are and what we love? if we really don't have much time on this earth, in this life, then why don't we live more abundantly for whatever we do have? we should eat, drink and be merry, with those whom we love, as much as possible...no, more often than that. for tomorrow, who knows? eat up. drink up. be merry. carpe diem. what are you waiting for?

gods and institutions

i'd seen it many times before...people being hurt by the institutions (and/or individuals) who claim to be God's representatives here on earth. that is usually what keeps people out of church, by the way...those of us who so often misrepresent Christ. and then it hit really close to home last week.

i am tired of people/institutions "representing" Christ in ways that do not reflect the Christ i see in scripture. for baptists especially who tout sola scriptura when it's convenient or when they are trying to make a point...yet they don't seem to really read that which they carry as their banner. now, i freely admit that i am not the foremost on biblical scholarship, nor do i know the ins and outs of God. at the same time, i do try to represent Christ in a way that, hopefully, is a truer representation...because just as those who seek to be rescued from Christ's followers, i too am tired of how the institution and the individuals therein treat people who are honestly trying to figure this whole thing out.

________________________________________________

in other news, i did experience an institutional worship experience that was diverse in as true a sense as i have seen in a long time. sunday of course was palm sunday and there was much rejoicing in worship. i also am proud to say that i attend a church that includes within it churches from several different ethnic groups: chinese, farsi, african. all of those churches worshiped together this past sunday morning and it was beautiful. it wasn't a showcase, at least not as much as it typically is when you incorporate that many ethnic groups. it was a worship experience that was the most inclusive i have seen lately. a sharp contrast to the exclusivity i watched last week. two thumbs up for those who planned that service. it was a microcosm of what i think it will be like when we as a resurrected people are worshiping together before the God who made us all the unique and different creatures we are.

a new definition

ok...this one comes to you a little later than i planned...it's about last sunday's sermon and a new(?) definition of eternal life...

"and this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent" (john 17:3)

so eternal life is knowing God...and believing that Jesus was the one whom God sent...and receiving Jesus as that one...

if that is true...we need to rethink our paradigms about eternal life. it is not fire insurance. it is not our free ticket to heaven. it is knowing and being known by the God who created us. and knowing and being known even now...not in some far off place in the future that we reach when we die...it is now.

why would anyone want to know God? why do i? (do i?) why do i want to participate in God? why be part of this life that lasts forever (beginning now)?

i think it's because i believe that all of life is sacred...that life is holy...that we are all connected...that all of life is connected in God. because of the character/nature/economy of God...the love and nature of God...to love and live as Christ loved and lived...among all people...because i believe in that kind of love and that kind of living (though i don't tend to do it myself as much as i would like).

and if the words Christ has spoken will be my judge, how, then, shall i live?

and another thing: if Jesus made everyone accessible to God, who are we to exclude anyone? who are we to deny anyone that access?

i don't like the library

strange coming from a bibliophile...but.

i gave up buying books for lent. painful. like telling my husband he can't have coffee for 40 days. so i'm relegated to the public library...which is not altogether a bad thing. they have all their stuff on-line and you can check out the catalog before going so you make a worthwhile trip rather than going for a book that's not there. you can even renew books online...yay. so i went online and looked for several books in which i am interested in reading...most of them were not in or were on order. so i put my name in to hold them. which also can be done online. and then they email to say the books are in...great.

until...

you get a brand new book that's 357 pages long and is really great (the bastard of istanbul...check it out...no pun intended) but at this point, it's a 7 day loan. i have to return it tomorrow...and i'm only halfway through. of course...if it's late in the day tomorrow, it will still be tomorrow...

can i do it? can i really finish this great book in less than 24 hours?

the union is breaking up

so arizona doesn't observe daylight savings time. i saw last week that new mexico still observes the planet pluto...

that's it!! the union is breaking up...secession is about to occur!!

ok maybe not...but it's pretty funny anyway.

meaningless, meaningless...

i think i caught a glimpse of what the writer of ecclesiastes was feeling when he wrote that everything is meaningless. we are here for a moment and the moment is gone. so what's the point of anything?

i don't mean to sound nihilistic...because that's not how i felt. i simply realized how short life is. we are all one breath away from death, not knowing when or how it will sneak up on us. even if i live a long, healthy life, it is merely a blink relative to eternity. so...why do we bother? why do we run around trying to achieve and earn the degrees to get the job to get the money to get the stuff? why do we live life at warp speed? there's wanting to do a lot of stuff there's that much you want to see, touch, learn, experience...and then there's running around like the proverbial headless chicken because you feel like you have to. what's the point of that part? why do we work ourselves into an early grave from the stress of living a life we weren't intended to live?

yes, ladies and gentlemen, i am--and have been for off and on for some time--dealing with my own mortality here. the question worth asking (among the many) is: how do i want to use this time? what do i really want to get out of it? what do i really want to give it?

this whole how do i make the most of this time question unexpectedly burrowed its way into my being and is unwilling to leave...so...in an attempt to not try to outdistance that which is running inside me, i'm trying to work with it. i opened one of our many already packed boxes (more on the move another time) and pulled out wayne muller's how then shall we live? it's on loan from a dear friend...as are several other books in my stash. muller centers the book around "the questions that shape our lives". even if you don't read the book, they are good questions to ask...

• who am i?
• what do i love?
• how shall i live knowing i will die?
• what is my gift to the family of the earth?

i don't really think everything is meaningless...i'm just looking for ways to find and make meaning while i have the opportunity to do so.

just don't mess with free will

bruce almighty was on the other night and we watched it. it had been a while since i saw the movie and i have to say there's some good theology in it. that was saturday night.

sunday morning, in sunday school, we talked about self-discipline and self-control and got on the issue of having some sort of regular prayer and/or regular bible study time. my heretical husband suggested that maybe the reason it's so hard for us to establish a regular prayer/study time is that we don't like to do it. he likened it to having to talk to his grandparents on the phone as a child vs. as an adolescent. as a child, you want to talk to your grandparents and tell them what you did that was so great. as an adolescent, it was a chore to talk to them; you did it because your parents made you and you were off the phone as soon as humanly possible--if not sooner. for many of us now, prayer feels like a chore. and it's hard to have a conversation with someone who says very little, if anything at all. last time i checked, that was considered a monologue.

i have my own reasons for not wanting to sit down and pray, though i think that is changing and perhaps some motivation to do so is seeping in. i hope that is the case.

back to the movie: God (in the form of morgan freeman) tells bruce to pray. bruce offers up a sort of laundry list prayer--typical format for most of us when we try to have a regular prayer time. then God tells bruce to try it again. to say a real prayer this time. and bruce does. earnestly, honestly, vulnerably, transparently. "now that's a prayer." perhaps that is what God would rather have from us...not so much the daily laundry list and we're done sort of prayer, but the earnest, vulnerable, honest, transparent prayer--whatever form that takes. and perhaps it doesn' t have to happen everyday. perhaps it doesn't have to happen for a prescribed length of time. perhaps we have been given the spiritual capacity to know when we need to actively pray and when we need to simply be present. perhaps we get to decide on our own when and how to pray.

the hard part, i think, for most people is that they "don't know how." everyone wants someone to tell them exactly what to do...how to pray, how to study scripture, when to do so, what's the formula for getting it right? so much for wanting that ability to work it out on our own. i believe that's part of that free will thing...

bruce was given all of God's power to do what he deemed necessary. the only real instruction was "just don't mess with free will." free will is a funny thing. it, like the humans who possess it, is inherently good but capable of so much bad. free will is what lets us grab life by the horns and find our own way through it. it's also what allows someone to make the decision that one person's medical situation is just not that critical, leading to death.

we are free to live with God's painfully limited intervention. some days i appreciate that freedom. others not so much. like so many of us humans, i want free will...but not really...but...

we are free to choose how we will live and how we will love and what we will do with whatever grain of hour glass sand is ours. we have the option of participating in God or not; to pray or not; to love or not; to honor all of life or not. bidden or not, free will is here to stay. what will we do with it?

maybe all of this sounds somewhat schizophrenic. i hope not. if it does, i hope you are able to sift through and find something worth chewing on.

a sense of entitlement

i went to the chiropractor's office yesterday and when i walked in, there was a little girl sitting patiently in the waiting room all by herself. she couldn't have been more than 4. in a few minutes, her grandmother came out, having finished her appointment, and had her granddaughter join her at the counter. everyone remarked about how well she sat by herself, and her grandmother commented that she would have to treat her granddaughter for behaving so well. at that point, this little voiced piped up: "hold me."

in our consumerist society filled with children (and their parents) who have this overwhelming sense of entitlement, it was pretty cool to hear that child ask for nothing more than to be picked up and loved on for being so well-behaved. and aren't we all entitled to being held just for being us.

embrace the suck

it's interesting what you learn from npr. the title of this post is a phrase used by the military as part of their slang milspeak. other, perhaps more familiar, terms include FUBAR (f***ed up beyond all recognition), SNAFU (situation normal: all f***ed up), LPC (leather personnel characters...better known as boots), and more i can't think of right now...the joys of growing up in a military town. on npr last thursday, there was an interview with a former reservist who was in iraq in 2004 and more recently published a pamphlet updating the milspeak. it's entitled "embrace the suck" -- essentially translated, "it's tough, deal with it." other personal favorites include:
"back to the taxpayers": Navy slang for where a wrecked aircraft gets sent.
Groundhog Day: Every day of your tour in Iraq. Terms suggests the days never change—always long and hot, and the same events keep recurring. From the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. John Wayne Driving School: Banging up a Humvee in the process of teaching new soldiers to drive it.
Ranger candy: An 800-milligram Motrin (ibuprofen) pill.
sand box/sand pit: iraq.

and while i usually listen to npr in the mornings, i have been changing the dial between 10-12 to avoid the diane rehm show because she seems to talk about nothing besides iraq.

i'm reading state of denial and having a hard time staying with it even though it's an incredible book and very well written.

i've said all this to say: i'm tired of hearing about iraq, iran, the war of terror, afghanistan, sunnis and shias, insurgents and the other noun that have made their way into our daily speech. however, while we simply hear about those things ad nauseam, we do not live it everyday. for that i am most grateful. i cannot imagine the atrocities being committed and witnessed by the men, women and children who find themselves trapped in a seemlessly neverending situation. it's not fair for any of them. it's not fair for the families of troops who stay here while they say their good-byes more regularly than they should at the revolving doors of most of our bases. again, i have to say i like the approach suggested in all quiet on the western front: let's just put the national leaders in a ring and let them duke it out themselves. those affected by war are in the overwhelming majority while those who create it sit in their nicely furnished and well-insulated (and i'm not talking about the itchy, fuzzy pink stuff) palaces, houses, what have you. let them become more involved in the conflict they escalate.

of course, regardless of who each of us is in this mess, we need to learn how to embrace the suck. perhaps then we can actually figure a way out.

just a bus driver

monday was my first day back on campus for lab in two weeks (ah, spring break)...and my first day back since i should have heard something regarding admissions. it was hard to walk to the building where my class meets and i found myself driving the bitter bus part of the way there. what's the point? i asked myself. i have done everything i can think of to try to get into this program and...well...it could be that no one has heard (even though the chair told us that those who were accepted would know within that first week after the interview) or that i am on the bubble...in typical march madness fashion. i am still hopeful...but that hope is clouded by doubt. still not sure what plan b is...still don't know if i should formulate that yet...still waiting. though my waiting is not as agonizing as it has been...

in other news on waiting, we learned that we were waiting for the town of apex to install a meter at our house...and then they could finish up the rest of the construction...and then we could close within a day of doing that...so we may actually get to close this week after all...and move on saturday...then again, we may not....to be continued.

and i have to say, going to a tropical location later this summer is a powerful motivation for getting my butt in the gym a little more and eating a little less...

go play

last saturday, al and i got the chance to spend the day together...sort of an impromptu "al and mary day" - and a much needed one at that. we finally got him his mountain bike, which took several hours, but was a lot of fun...he was like a kid at christmas. should have been since it very quickly wiped out a backlog of gifts my slack ass had for him...we thought about going to the flea market to see if we might find some treasures for our new house but it was late in the afternoon and we really didn't have time to look. not wanting to waste such a beautiful day, i suggested we spend as much of the afternoon as we could outside...so we went to lake johnson and walked the 3 miles around it.
i realized that day that i want to reclaim my inner child who spent very little of her time outside playing...or playing any kind of sport. i'm sure in the near future, i too will purchase a bike...and i really hope to purchase a kayak so i can take it out on the many lakes in the area. ultimately, i just want to spend more time outside playing. i didn't do much of that as a child...my family wasn't a very active one and we didn't do much in the realm of "play." it is an unfortunate truth and one i want very much to correct. most of us don't spend enough time playing whatever form that may take. i want to correct that, too. so here's to the great outdoors and the many hidden places we can all go play.

oh! and if those weren't enough...the evening culminated in the best concert i have been to to date...billy joel live at the rbc center. those hands are older than when he started but they can still move across the keyboard like nobody's business

waiting

it's not much fun, this waiting thing i am doing. waiting to hear if i have gotten into school...which, incidentally, looks less promising as the days go by. waiting to move into our new house...waiting to close...waiting to hear if we will close next week or if we will have to...you guessed it...wait some more. i am trying desperately to be patient during this time...i am trying to learn something from this very painful process...but it is so very hard. there is so much riding on my acceptance to school...or not...and if it's "not" i have to begin to formulate a plan b. i hope not to have to use that as i do not relish the idea of putting off school for yet another year. i'm not getting any younger. and i would like to start increasing the size of my family before the age of 35...

so for now, i'm waiting and hoping that things will come together as they seem to have done so much in recent months...well...until recently. now it's just...paralyzing.

the funniest thing i think i have ever read

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Grea t kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...
>
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
J udge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

food for thought

i saw this on a friend's page tonight and thought it should be shared with even more people. all i could say was wow. all she said was "not one of us is innocent." what do you think?

That being said...

i am tired. how did i ever have time to work? but things are looking up...and about to get a little crazier. we are going to atl this weekend and that will be good to get away...next weekend i have an interview for a ph.d. program and then 3 days later we close on our new house. i'm excited but not looking forward to packing to move. but shopping for the new house will be most fun!

i don't think i have ever spent as much time on the internet as i have lately. i much confess that i have been sucked into the wide world of facebook and myspace (though i definitely prefer facebook). it has been good, though, to reconnect with old friends and see where they are and hear their stories. it's also nice to realize that i have more energy and more energy to put into relationships and other people now. it is amazing how we measure progress. i am still tired and lack the energy i once had, but i don't know for sure that i will ever get that back anyway. and that's ok. a very wise man said that as we get older we trade energy for wisdom. now, don't get me wrong, there are many days i would love to be energetic and blissfully ignorant, but then i wouldn't be who i am now. wounded though i am, i am a pretty cool person and a much better person by far than i was 3 years ago. it was just a high price to pay to get here.

Thought of love for V-Day

"For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof. The work for which all other work is but preparation."--Rainer Maria Rilke

Got this one from a dear friend and thought it was great...very much like she is.

Happy post day of love.

My Inner Rock Chick

You Are Ani Difranco!

Honest, real, and well liked. You're not limited by any boundaries. "And you can call me crazy But I think you're as lazy as white paint on the wall"

Who's Your Inner Rock Chick?